Jokes

[LivinEZ]

What kind of party jokes do we have out there?

What do Osama and crabs have in common?





They both irritate Bush...

[StormShadow]

http://www.talonclub.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5676&highlight=momma

Here are some Yo Momma jokes from back in the day

[L8 APEX]

Your momma so stupid she sold her car for gas money.

[Lyfisin]

Here's one of mine.



Two guys are getting on an airplane. They put their lugguge up in the overhead compartments and turn to face each other. Imagine their surprise when they find out they have identical black eyes.

The first guy says, "OK. I'll bite. What happened to you?"

"It was the stupidest thing." says the other guy. "I was standing in line to get my ticket. The attendant in front of me has this incredible chest. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I just couldn't stop! When I get up to the counter, she asks me what I needed. What I meant to say was, 'I need a ticket to Pittsburgh', but what came out was, 'I need a picket to Tittsburgh' and POW she hits me right in the eye!"

The first guy looks at him in amazement and remarks, "That's almost the exact same thing that happened to me! I was sitting in the airport cafeteria with my wife. I looked at her and what I mean to say was, 'Please pass the Post Toasties' and what came out was, "You Bitch. You screwed up my life!' and POW... right in the eye.


Here's a couple more I thought were funny.

***********************************************
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do
anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

***********************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and
ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the
top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

***********************************************

[tliss]

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Let him have sex with you

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
All you have to do is be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
7. an educator
8. a cook
9. a gardener
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good father
22. a gentleman
23. well organised
24. tidy
25. very clean
27. athletic
28. affectionate
29. affable
30. attentive
31. ambitious
32. amenable
33. articulate
34. bold
35. brave
36. creative
37. courageous
38. complimentary
39. capable
40. decisive
41. intelligent
42. imaginative
43. interesting
44. prudent
45. patient
46. polite
47. passionate
48. respectful
49. sweet
50. strong
51. skilful
52. supportive
53. sympathetic
54. tolerant
55. understanding
56. someone who loves shopping
57. someone who doesn't make problems
58. someone who never looks at other women
59. very rich
AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU
60. Are neither jealous nor disinterested
61. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her
62. give her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes
ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO
63. Not forget the dates of
* anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
* graduation
* birthday
* menstruation.
However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly, you are not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the first wild bastard-bohemian-drunk-bon vivant she meets...

[Wht95Lightning]

Eva, a blonde city girl, marries a rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Eva, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Eva takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Eva explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away

[Beaudee]

I got one that cracks me up every time i see one or hear it.What is a FUPA.Fat Upper Pubic Area.

[LivinEZ]

I got one that cracks me up every time i see one or hear it.What is a FUPA.Fat Upper Pubic Area.

:rll: Gotta hate it when that happens...

[my2002lightning]

Monkeys telling stories in a bar. :d

http://www.lookatentertainment.com/v/v-31.htm

Too funny! :rll::evil

[LivinEZ]

Male Language Patterns

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake."

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"This relationship is getting too serious," REALLY MEANS, "I like you as much as I like my truck."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

[LivinEZ]

The Blonde's Revenge!
* Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.

* What's black, blue, and brown and lying in a ditch?A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

* What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it!

* What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.

* Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.

* What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

* What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"

* What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage

* Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price

[99WhiteBeast]

Johnny on Bathroom Etiquette

Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady,

how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the

teacher asked.


"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.


The teacher replied,"That would be rude and impolite.


What about you? Paul, how would you say it?


"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."


The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very

mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."


"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and

show us your good manners."


I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to

shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to

meet after dinner."


The teacher fainted.

[FRDRCING]

A CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered
in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared
at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm
a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.