Time for a few jokes!

[my2002lightning]

These are pretty good, IMO. :d Get out your reading-spectacles, Uncle Rocks.:tongue:

Disclaimer: No offense intended towards any demographic. :cool: :burnout:


A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a b!tch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in
mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So ... you're a
man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, uncorks it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are evil. :evil

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A man calls home and a little girl answers...
Man: Is mommy there?
Girl: yeah
Man: what's she doing? can you put her on the phone?
Girl: she's upstairs with a man.
Man: What?! what man?
Girl: I don't know.
Man: What are they doing upstairs?
Girl: I don't know, wrestling I think.
Man: do daddy a favor...go upstairs and tell mommy that I'm calling from down the street and that I'll be home in 2 minutes...then come back to the phone and tell me what happens.
Girl: okay
<pause>
Girl: okay, I told her
Man: what are they doing?
Girl: they both grabbed their clothes, and mommy told the man to jump out the window into the pool, but she forgot that you drained the pool 2 days ago and the man is laying in the bottom with blood coming out of his head and he's not moving.
Man: pool? wait, is this 467-9981

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A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of wh#res."

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A man comes home to find his wife packing suitcases.
"What are you doing?" he exclaims.
"I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas" she says
"Why?" the man asks
"Because there are men there who'll pay me $400 to do to them what I've been doing to you for the last five years"
A few minutes later she notices that he's packing cases. "What are you doing?" she asks.
"I'm coming with you" he says
"Why?" she asks.
"I want to see how you can live on $800 a year" :evil

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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American
tourists the outback. On their way to Kakadu he was
describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track
man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous. Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.

He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg
was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the
tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are
you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a
1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front
end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9
fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise
and detailed knowledge.

Dammit man, how do you know all
that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the f#cking thing about
half an hour ago." :d

[my2002lightning]

Part II


Two gay guys are walking through a zoo. They come up to the gorillas and notice that the male gorilla has a massive boner.

The guys are fascinated by this. One of them just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, nonstop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the gay man is taken to the hospital.

A few days later, his friends visit him and they ask him, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?" he shouts. "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called ... he hasn't written."

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The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! - Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b!tch out the window!":banana:

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Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on."

She did, and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."

I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on."

She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."

So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Jill says nothing; she takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, try on mine."

So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your smart @ss attitude, you never will." :tongue:

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One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?

One man replied, "We don't have any money for food. We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree" the man replied.

"Bring them along," the lawyer said. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; The grass is almost a foot high."

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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful H&K PSG-1 sniper's rifle with a Unertl scope. "Here are my tools-of-the-trade."

"That's a beautiful scope" said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the scope in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This scope is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her.... He's naked, too!!! The b!tch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....." :evil :evil

Ronald
:D