Joke of the day

[tiffo60]

Ever wonder what happens when you get separated from your husband in
Walmart?

The following letter was sent to a long time patron of a local Walmart
Store. After receiving this letter, she vowed that she would NEVER take her
husband shopping with her again!!!

January 12, 2006

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton: Multiple Complaints

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and
have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores
. We have documented all 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse
is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, Code
3 in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
and asks 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And, last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile;
then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" Laughing

[tiffo60]

another one:icon_mrgreen:

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something
akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see
this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.
Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at the Pawnshop that tickled my fancy. I
bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was for our 29th
anniversary (January 3rd) and I was looking for a little something extra for
her. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun
with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is
a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed
assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never
seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not
create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs. Awesome sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your
information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There
I sat in my recliner, my dogs Daisy/Roscoe/Hobo) looking on intently
(trusting little souls), reading the directions (that would be me, not the
dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dogs for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. But, if I was going to give this thing to
my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. The
directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss
of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, and loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA
batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there alone, the dogs looking on "don't do it buddy,"
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. (Sounds, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?) I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It
is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it
seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****!!!! I'm pretty sure that
Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that
recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position. The dogs were standing over me making sounds I
had never heard before, Roscoe licking my face, undoubtedly thinking, "do it
again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. How did they get there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen
my testicles? I think they ran away.

I'm offering a reward. They're round, Miss 'em ...... sure would like to
get'em back.

[danielvalles1]

ur right thats gotta be the joke of the day i was craking up most of the time i liked the walmart one the best that was real funny.:icon_razz:

[tiffo60]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin
Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out
of it.

"I will give each on you one wish, which is three
wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye,
the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Americans or
Canadians can come in our our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's
eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell
me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet
high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing
can get
in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and
says, "Fill it with water."

[danielvalles1]

So the texan is going to kill the osama binladin by filling them up with water right since the walls are high, just drownthem correct me if im wrong anybody.:rolleyes:

[slick-svt]

Here you go,

Texas Deputy vs. New York Lawyer
Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas...Too bad..

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, says the deputy. License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.

License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-lovin' heck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[danielvalles1]

Thats a good example slow down or stop that was funny:tu:

[tiffo60]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."


The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."


The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take. It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong and how I can make a Woman truly happy."



The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[danielvalles1]

I guess God was like screw that i like your first wish.:D

[tiffo60]

ONLY A MAN WOULD TRY THIS!!!!!!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
>
> Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
> purchased
> his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
> submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
> Pawn Shop that sparked
> my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
> was looking for
> a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
> across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the
> tazer were
> supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
> affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
> safety....??
>
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
> brought it home.
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
> button.
> Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
> pushed the
> button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
> time; I'd get
> the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
> the prongs.
>
> AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
> burn spot is on
> the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
> myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
> batteries, right? There
> I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> (trusting little
> soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that
> I really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
> target. I must
> admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
> was going to
> give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
> mugger, I did
> want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
> wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
> reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
> directions in one
> hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a
> one-second burst
> would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
> burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
> control; a
> three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
> flop on the
> ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
> three seconds
> would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device
> measuring about 5" long,
> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
> (loaded with
> two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
> 'no possible
> way!' What happened next is almost beyond description,
> but I'll do my
> best.. ..?
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
> head cocked to one
> side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,'
> reasoning that a one second burst
> from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
> that bad. I decided
> to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
> touched the
> prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
>
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. .
> WHAT THE
> HELL!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
> door, picked me
> up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
> carpet, over and
> over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side
> in the fetal
> position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
> nipples on fire,
> testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
> under my body in
> the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was
> making meowing
> sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture
> frame hanging
> above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
> getting slammed by
> my body flopping all over the living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
> with a tazer, one
> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second
> burst when you
> zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
> dislodged
> from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor..
> A three
> second burst would be considered conservative?
>
> IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
>
>
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
> relative thing at
> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
> sat up and
> surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
> mantel of
> the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
> feet or so from
> where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
> nipples were
> still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
> Novocain,
> and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
> drooling.
>
> Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for
> sure and my
> sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
> head which I
> believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
> nuts and I'm
> offering a significant reward for their safe return!
>
> P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience,
> loved the gift,
> and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
>
> If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

[Shiner1]

John Wayne once said "Life is tough. It's even tougher when your stuipid":d

[my2002lightning]

A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark This equaled an A."






























































After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

:evil:bows:D

[Shiner1]

:rll::rll::rll:

[my2002lightning]

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."

:evilknana:D

[mikelemoine]

I think I've met that cop:hammer:


Here you go,

Texas Deputy vs. New York Lawyer
Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas...Too bad..

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, says the deputy. License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.

License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-lovin' heck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[tiffo60]

poached off of another site



Reading this should make you feel like the genius you are.


AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT

Possibly the funniest story in a long while, this is a bricklayer's accident report. (compiled with assistance from his lawyer.)

This true story was printed in the newsletter of the Australian Workers' Compensation Board. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.


Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was
attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the
rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

[Shiner1]

poached off of another site


:d:d:d

[PUMP]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there? "
"We're taking Continental" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome? "
" We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
" Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
" We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope. "
" That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it"
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful, "explained the woman," not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well, muttered the hairdresser,"that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
" Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me. "
" Oh, really! What'd he say? "
He said: " Who ****ed up your hair ? "

[dboat]

That's rich... :rll::rll::tu::tu:


This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there? "
"We're taking Continental" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome? "
" We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
" Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
" We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope. "
" That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it"
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful, "explained the woman," not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well, muttered the hairdresser,"that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
" Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me. "
" Oh, really! What'd he say? "
He said: " Who ****ed up your hair ? "

[PUMP]

California Poll:

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% responded, "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% responded, "No es una problema seriosa."

[PUMP]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus
payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus
check wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
• If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

[PUMP]

**** NEW TRUCK
I bought a new Ford F-150 and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated..
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'?
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs..
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.
I yelled, 'A$$ Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen,the President of the United States "
Damn I love this truck......

[zforce77]

Warning! Home Depot scam!
A 'heads up' for those mature men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you, or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20 to 21 year-old girls come over to your car or truck as you are packing your shopping into the trunk/bed. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing Then, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also June 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last weekend and very likely again this upcoming Monday. So tell your friends to please be careful

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each... I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

[zforce77]

3 men
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin
Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out
of it.

"I will give each on you one wish, which is three
wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye,
the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Americans or
Canadians can come in our our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's
eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell
me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet
high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing
can get
in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and
says, "Fill it with water."
__________________
Why live life cautiously just to show up to death carefully.

http://www.talonclub.com/forum/dolophine/misc/progress.gif

[zforce77]

New icons
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

http://www.talonclub.com/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif means a smile and

http://www.talonclub.com/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif is a frown..

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass hole


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

[PUMP]

I don't know wether this should go in funny picture thread or joke-of-the-day, Neither, either or both????
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jyle2CuDgIo&feature=player_detailpage

[dboat]

In the washroom in the airport I saw this handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers:

"Please push button and listen for a short message from the President! There's nothing like "hot air" and the smell of fresh crap to give you that true Obama presence!!!!”

[L8 APEX]

What does Tiger Woods and a seal have in common?


They have both been clubbed by Norwegians...:icon_eek:

[PUMP]

A husband walks into Victoria Secret to purchase a sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price; the more it is sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the one that is most sheer, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home . He presents it to his ife and asks her to go upstairs , put it on and model it for him .
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing . I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for my self ."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, " Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it! "
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday.

[mikelemoine]

Mixed Emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching
a TV program about psychology and
explaining the phenomenon of "mixed
emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I
bet you can't tell me anything that will
make me happy and sad at the same
time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you
have the biggest dick."

[Mark #2]

Mixed Emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching
a TV program about psychology and
explaining the phenomenon of "mixed
emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I
bet you can't tell me anything that will
make me happy and sad at the same
time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you
have the biggest dick."

Maybe that is why they got married in the first place...the timing is key on this one, he could still be happy on all accounts... try again honey, now go get me a beer.:D

[dboat]

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great homeimprovement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:





In your 20's:


Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.








In your 30's:


Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.











In your 40's:


Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.








In your 50's:


Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'








In your 60's:


Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.











In your 70's:


Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.








In your 80's:


Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.





In your 90's & beyond:


What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?


Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

[dboat]

The Dark Side of Women


A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale slashed by 75 percent in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in pain in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you'll ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.

The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just ****ing with you. He's dead. Show me what you bought."

[tiffo60]

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.



:d

[dboat]

:d

+1:tu::tu::tu::tu:

[Silver_2000]

+1:tu::tu::tu::tu::tu:

[zforce77]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch
was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into
town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no
hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gen tly and placed them
neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired.'

[Shiner1]

^^^:rll:

[tiffo60]

Mommy


http://64.4.56.55/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=5bdb455d-dab4-11df-b208-00215ad9ed78&attindex=0&cp=-1&attdepth=0&imgsrc=cid%3a3370232201_343696&hm__login=tiftoncrist&hm__domain=msn.com&ip=10.25.148.8&d=d4365&mf=0&hm__ts=Mon%2c%2018%20Oct%202010%2013%3a47%3a02%20G MT&st=tiftoncrist%402&hm__ha=01_aaa580d46f3e9a7ba208335131f101e61bf51e89 4c37a5d98cde3a5a50a80cee&oneredir=1


The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get
their parents to tell them a story with a
moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and
pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. “Janie, do you have a story to share?' ''Yes ma'am My
daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi
troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of
bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay far far away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

[zforce77]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo........... Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.